A Change of Scenery (or: How to Do All the Things When You Have None of the Time)

I wish I had an office. I wish I had a room that I could furnish, decorate, and dedicate to the sole task of writing and getting other creative-ish work done in. More than that, I often wish (like, every day) that I could just stay home and dedicate all of my time to doing creative-ish work, to starting and finishing all the projects my little heart desires to create.

Unfortunately, that is not the reality of my life. I've got bills to pay, and my creative projects aren't currently paying them. I need to work, and with school on top of that for half the year, I don't often find myself in a position to spend all day being creative at home. I'm constantly on the go, from Point A to Point B.

And yet, here I am--my 12th straight update, on schedule. (Kind of? It's still Friday if I haven't gone to bed, right?) Four straight weeks of Monday-Wednesday-Friday updates, with only a couple that were uploaded later than my 4pm goal time. Maybe it's because it's summer, but I'm kicking ass on the blogging scene regardless, with more behind the scenes work done on top of that.

I'm not stupid. I know I'm probably jinxing it right now. But let me fill you in on the secret to my competence--Starbucks.

(I am not sponsered by Starbucks but I would like to point out that I'm a poor college student and would definitely not turn down any money.)

Kay but actually. In the last few weeks, I've been spending a little bit more time at Starbucks than normal, which--shockingly enough--has lead to an astounding amount of productivity on my part. I've drafted blogs multiple weeks in advance, my uploads are getting scheduled for 4 PM more often now than ever, and I'm pouring my blood, sweat, tears, and heart into this blog more than I ever have before. The productivity that encompasses me in the coffee shop is spilling over to the rest of my day, as I finish up a post at work, stay up late to finish other creative projects, and focus more and more time into my stories every day.

So that's the secret, short and sweet: a change in scenery. A refreshing alteration to your daily habits and routines. Something to make things interesting.

The best office you can have is your mindset. The best place to be creative is wherever you are in the moment. Sometimes it's easy to forget that, and it's definitely easy to put everything off until you have that special place--but there's no saying that special place can't be the Blogger app on your iPad.


Until later,

- Justyne

You Do You, Boo (A Discussion About Internal Motivation)

Last year, I did a small series of blog posts in which I discussed the variety of ways to motivate yourself externally. It was a nice little series. I enjoyed writing it. But what happens when all those frills stop working?

Remember....who....you are....

(Inserting gifs in here because it's 2016 and that's the Thing To Do.)

The most common advice I hear from anyone, in terms of work and career, is to do what you love. A no-brainer, right? It would seem so; hell, I preach that advice every day. But what happens when you don't even know what that means anymore? What happens when you sit down one day, doing The Thing You Love, only to start thinking that you maybe don't love it as much as you thought?

You have a freak out, for starters. You start to panic a bit. You start to question whether you're on the right path, whether this thing truly is The Thing You Love. Then you bury your troubles under hours and hours of Sims and try not to think about it.

(Not like I would know or anything....)

What makes something The Thing You Love? What magical quality does it posess that allows it to turn from just a hobby into...more? It's not an easy thing to pinpoint, really, because there's not just one way for it to get to that point. We all live different lives, we all choose to put our passion in different things for different reasons. There's no road map to figure out what The Thing You Love should really be. 

All you can really do...is do you. You do you, boo!

I don't know when I started saying this. Probably as a joke, to be honest--something to say indifferently, as a go-ahead to a suggestion, when the process doesn't affect the outcome, or the outcome doesn't affect me at all. "Go for it--you do you, Boo."

Then, last month, a friend of mine uploaded a post on her own blog, and made reference to this saying that I've suddenly adopted as my own. All at once, I realized that this saying wasn't really a joke at all--it had become advice. Real advice. Good advice, that I had never really thought to follow.

I started writing when I was around nine. It's been a part of my life for a very long time, and for all that time I never struggled with my future life plans. I wanted to do this, I was working hard for it, and I knew I was good. (Most of the time, anyway.) I always knew what I wanted to do...until suddenly, I didn't. (Y'all already know that story; it eventually lead to the creation of this blog.)

I joke about procrastination a lot. I've always done it, but over time it's gotten worse. Shouldn't this be easy? Shouldn't I have enough passion to push myself out of whatever rut I find myself in and just do it?

It wasn't that I didn't want to. I did. It's that I was lacking the energy, the time, the motivation. Every time I felt that rush, that flurry of words that poured out of me, I grabbed it desperately. I didn't want to let it go, to drift back into the void of other people's stories, all of which were starting to do nothing but remind me that mine wasn't out there.

But every time, I let go. I had to, because of responsibilities and commitments and a zillion other things that I wanted nothing to do with. I started to resent my job because of it, because I felt that every moment not spent towards The Thing I Loved was just a waste of time. I threw every creative project that wouldn't bring me a step closer to publication under the rug. 

Eventually, I threw The Thing I Loved under the rug, too. I didn't think I could do it anymore--every time I sat down to start, I got too distracted with other things. I got too frustrated with the fact that I wasn't anywhere near where I wanted to be at this point in my life--and I felt like a failure.

I stopped blogging because of it--for months.

Here's something that not everybody tells you: you're not always going to love The Thing You Love. You're not always going to love your dream job. No matter what it is, there are going to be days when you want absolutely nothing to do with it. There are going to be days when you want to do literally anything else, anything to avoid The Thing You Love. But that doesn't mean you just give it up--it doesn't mean that you've lost it, it doesn't mean that you need to throw in the towel and start looking for another way to occupy your time. That's why I wrote those initial posts, why I spent so long focusing on external motivators--because in dire times, they can save your ass. You need every ounce of inspiration you can muster.

But if you don't have the internal motivation to back it up, you're not going to get very far.

I don't know much, but this is what I do know: I love creating things. I love telling stories. I love pouring my heart and soul into something, and turning it into an experience for someone else. I love that. I always will, even sometimes I wish I could skip the hard part and skip straight to holding the finished product in my hands. The passion remains, through all the procrastination.

All you have to do is start. That's how you figure it out. You push past the hard bit, you grab hold of every ounce of motivation you can, and you use it to fuel the launch.

Because once you reach the stars, there's nothing holding you back.

You do you, guys.

- Justyne

External Motivation, Part III: The Role Model

Part 1: The Playlist
Part II: The Workspace

~~

My childhood hero was Sailor Moon. She was an irresponsible, clutzy crybaby on the outside, but on the inside she had a huge heart. She cared for her friends and family deeply, held more self confidence than I could ever hope to have, and believed that everyone was worth saving--everyone, even the bad guys. Her grades sucked--there's no delicate way of putting it--but every night she saved the world from whatever evil made itself known. She didn't win every time, but didn't let it stop her; she held an incredible amount of hope and faith in her heart. I wanted to both be her and be friends with her at the same time.

She was not only someone to look up to, but a friend when I felt like I had none. She and I go way back; she taught me to dream without hesitation, love without consequence, and fight for what I want out of life. The influence the character and the show had on me as a kid was a big factor in making me the person I am today.

In this case, I didn't consciously choose my role model. It's something I didn't even realized had happened until later, after a significant amount of thought and reflection. But often, a role model is someone we purposefully pick out; someone we see and say, "Hey, I wanna be like you!"

A role model can be a great source of motivation. Sometimes it's hard to mentally picture the person we want to be, and seeing this person who is excelling at all of the things we want to do gives us something solid to shoot for. In some cases, they can even give us adivce on how to get there!

But there's a danger in idolizing someone, be them fictional or real. We don't often see their failures, making it that much easier to ignore their faults and the reality of the life we want to live. When we see someone with the skills, talents, and attitudes that we lack, it's easy to feel discouraged with our own progress. It's easy to think that we'll never be as successful as they are.

It's also easy to lose yourself; when you're trying so hard to be like this other person, it's all too easy to drop the "like" and focus on being their twin. Instead of shooting for our own accomplishments in our own way, we try to do it just like they did. We drop our own opinions and interests and pick up the ones that made this one particular person so successful. We try to follow in their footsteps instead of forging our own path.

It's great to have someone to look up to, and knowing that they beat the odds to get where they are not only motivates us but inspires us to do the same. But you have to be careful that you use this role model to fuel your motivation, instead of letting the idea of them hinder it.


Who's your role model? Tell me in the comments!

Until later,

- Justyne

External Movitavtion, Part II: The Workspace

Part I: The Playlist

~~

If you are in pursuit of a creative career, you are going to--ideally--spend the majority of your time in some sort of designated workspace. (If not the majority, then at least a reasonably large chunk of it.) This is where you will write your first draft, your second, your third. It's where you will slave the night away, writing words that you won't even remember through the haze of sleep deprivation. This is where you will write your debut novel. This is where you will partake in a dozen NaNoWriMo's and draft a hundred query letters.

This place needs to be your home, be it your home-within-a-home or your home-away-from-home. As such, it has to be a place that not only motivates you, but inspires you to create great works of art.

You are in the midst of creating your work environment, so it is imperative that the end result is a place that you enjoy--I would even go so far as to say that it should be your FAVOURITE place!

There are two different categories that you should be thinking about whenc hoosing, designing, or redecorating your workspace--practicality and atmosphere.

Practicality is a no brainer--if you can't get any work done, it's not much of a workspace. It doesn't necessarily motivate you to get work done...it just prevents you from doing anything else.

As much as I want to skip to the atmosphere aspect of this week's topic, the practicality part is just too important to leave out. So for now, I'll leave you with a miniature preparation checklist to ensure that no distractions interfere with your motivation:

• Is there a TV in the room? Move. Now.
• Is your phone on? Turn it off and hide it in a drawer somewhere. DO NOT LET IT TEMPT YOU.
• Get off your bed. What are you even doing.
• Get off the couch, too.
• SIT AT A PROPER SURFACE IN A PROPER CHAIR
• Download this and this. And this.
• Prevent Scatterbrain Syndrom by making a To-Do list or setting a goal for your work time. SHOOT FOR THE STARS, CHILDREN.

Ok, great. All that boring stuff is out of the way--now comes the fun bit!

A couple years ago I made a Pinterest account, which was both a blessing and a curse. It was probably one of the worst things to ever happen to me, simply because it is hands down one of the most distracting websites I've ever had the misfortune of signing up for. (Yes, right up there with Tumblr.)

But at the same time, it's been great for inspiration. People pin writing tips and drawing tutorials, inspirational quotes and--probably my favourite part of this God forsaken website--home decor.

I never had a true appreciation for home decor until I found Pinterest. Bedrooms and kitchens, reading nooks and dining rooms, dens and....home offices.

The atmosphere aspect of your workspace is the most fun, the most expensive, and the trickiest. You need a workspace that is functional--organized in just the right way, with everything you need to be productive. It needs to be pretty--you're going to spend a lot of time there, so you need to want to spend a lot of time there. If it's boring or dull or ugly, you'll want to stay as far away as possible. But if it's bright and it's interesting, you'll want to spend as much time there as you can.

All the while, it can't be too distracting, because...well, you have to work sometime.

So find a space in your home, be it in your bedroom or elsewhere, and turn it into your Dream Job. Find a nice desk, as big or as small as you need, and a comfy chair. Set up your computer, or typewriter, or good 'ol fashioned pencil and notepad. Stick up a calendar with deadlines and To-Do lists, add some pretty lights and inspirational posters.

And for the love of your sanity, make sure you keep it clean.

Until later,

- Justyne

~~

Part III: The Role Model

A Bad Combination

I am very, very bad at concentrating. I'm not sure when I first realized this; if it was a sudden epiphany or a sort of slow realization over time. But it has become clear to me how frequent my pauses mid-action are; how often I drop my pen or let my fingers hover over the keyboard, allowing my eyes to switch to Facebook or Twitter or the mere air around my workspace, my mind thousands of miles away from the current task.

In the past, I've enjoyed calling myself a "Master of Multitasking", which in reality means that I enjoy having half a dozen Chrome tabs, a Word document, and a sketchbook open in front of me and pretending that I'm getting stuff done. I hated focusing my energy on only one task at a time, mostly because I thought that allowing my brain to jump from project to project at whiplash speed would be more productive than trying to focus on just one.

Pro tip: it's really not.

By nature, I am a very ambitious person. If  I get an idea for a new project, I don't want to wait the weeks or months to finish whatever it is I'm currently working on--I want to start it now. I have so many things that I want to do, and I want to do them all today--not tomorrow, next week, or next year...today. I hate the idea of having too much free time because, hello, that's free time that I could be using to DO things! When I dream, I don't half-ass it--I go all out.

When I first decided that I wanted to be a writer at age nine, I didn't just want to be published. I wanted to be best-selling, creator of a hundred books and a franchised series, complete with movie and TV show adaptations of my stories. I always figured I'd go to college, sure, but I always thought I'd go just for fun, because I'd already be set for life with a successful career. Duh.

Turns out, though, that an abundance of ambition alone is not enough to accomplish anything. When you pair it with my utter lack of ability to concentrate, along with a bountiful supply of laziness, lack of motivation and crippling fear of the unknown, and you get a very, very bad combination.

It's scary--and often discouraging--to think about how many of my projects I could be done already if I had learned how to properly apply myself. How many new projects could I be working on? HOW PRODUCTIVE COULD I REALLY BE? We'll never know. And it sucks being constantly aware that, in some ways, I've already disappointed my 9-year-old self.

I've tried so many times to dig myself out of this hole. I wake up early, work my way through my morning routine as a Super Motivated Person, convinced that today is the day that I change everything. I have become an expert at creating a Master Plan, so clearly fool-proof that it absolutely cannot fail.

But the problem with making a Master Plan, with making such a large and daunting to-do list, is that I get overwhelmed. I get so overwhelmed, in fact, that I throw it all to the side, leaving it up to Future Justyne to sort out while I distract myself with Sims or Netflix or literally anything else.

Past Justyne is a real bitch. Present Justyne doesn't want to turn out the same way.

It's hard, trying to focus on one thing. I've never liked the idea of taking baby steps--I'm far too impatient. The only way to break this trend, though, is to do just that; to narrow my focus, shorten my to-do list, force myself to focus on one thing at a time. It's hard, but it's necessary.

I fumble. I screw up. That much is still the same--but if I don't forgive myself and move on, then who will?


Until later,

- Justyne

10 Quotes That I Absolutely Love

Every now and then, I come across a quote--be it from the internet or a book or whatever--that I love oh-so-very-much that I just HAVE to write it down.

I now present to you ten of these quotes, in no particular order.

~~

"...and I decided that I would do my best in future not to write books just for the money. If you didn't get the money, then you didn't have anything. If I did work I was proud of, and I didn't get the money, at least I'd have the work." - Neil Gaiman, Make Good Art 

"I know you're not perfect. But it's a person's imperfections that make them perfect for someone else." - Stephanie Perkins, Lola and the Boy Next Door 

"Writing isn't about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. In the end, it's about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It's about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy." - Stephen King 

"The truth is this: successful writers don't have more time than you. They MAKE time to write." - S.J. Scott

"For any one of us our forever could end in an hour, or a hundred years from now. ... If your forever was ending tomorrow, would this be how you'd want to have spent it?" - Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever 

"Life is full of screw-ups. You're supposed to fail sometimes. It's a required part of human existence." - Sarah Dessen, Along for the Ride

"Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else." - Gloria Steinem

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - Neil Gaiman, Coraline 

"I am here to tell you that if you don't feel ready for university at the age of eighteen, there is always time to go back should you ever want to. I am here to tell you that having a well-paid job that is so often glamorised by the media and 'career advisers' at school is not the answer to happiness if it is not what you want to do." - Emma Blackery, YOU ARE NOT YOUR PARENTS

"All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney

What's your favourite quote?

Until later,

- Justyne

A Letter to Grads

Dear Graduate,

Make the best of your ceremony.

It may seem boring, or even a little dorky. But I encourage you--I implore you--to take advantage of this day. Celebrate with your friends, celebrate with your families. Take too many pictures and cheer too loud when your friends walk across that stage. You will not regret it.

Some of you will be happy to leave. Some of you will be sad. Some of you will be--and pardon my French--scared shitless. Maybe you'll even be all three.

That is okay.

I know that people always say that high school is the best time of your life. I don't believe that. Some say that high school was only enjoyable for the "popular kids". But...I don't believe that, either.

I wasn't popular, not by a long shot. But high school? I loved it. It was hard, and it was annoying, and I spent countless times ticking down the hours until summer, until graduation, until the day I could move on to something more. It wasn't all fun--in fact it was mostly anything but--but it changed me. At the start of grade nine, I was quiet. I didn't have many friends. I was too afraid to say or do anything that would really draw attention to myself.

Now? Well, now I'm just obnoxious, overly cocky, and use a lot bad sarcasm. But I'm happy, now, with who I am.

High school changes you. Everything that has happened over the past four years--every person you met, every class you took, every word that was ever spoken to you--whether you liked it or not, it all helped shape you into the person you are today. And the person you are today, after 13 long years, has graduated high school. If you don't think that is an accomplishment, I want you to take a step back and reconsider.

Because, dear Graduate, you did a fantastic job. I don't have to have personally met you to tell you that I, along with dozens of others, am proud of you.

It's only been a measly two years since I've graduated, so if you're not inclined to take me too seriously, I understand. There are other older, much wiser people out there, with more experience under their belt. They probably know a whole lot more than I do. If anything, I'm probably just blinded by my young naivety.

But...I think that's kind of a good thing.

You literally have the whole world at your feet right now. It's easy to be overwhelmed with the possibilities. But this is a time in your life when anything can happen--take advantage of that! Follow your interests, your passions, your biggest, craziest dreams! There is nothing holding you back!

And please, more than anything, remember this feeling. Remember this idea that everything is possible, that you can do anything--because you can.

Congratulations, Graduates.

- Justyne

Back to the Start (Part I)

It's no secret that I want to make a living off of my writing. Being able to focus whatever hour of the day on my creative projects, without having to schedule around a day job, would be absolutely incredible. It's my ultimate goal of where I want to end up.

I think there's a risk associated, though, with striving to achieve such a thing. Generally, people don't begin creative hobbies for the money--we're attracted to them because we love to create new things, be them stories or paintings or movies or whatever. It's what makes us happy, and that's wonderful. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to make money off of something that makes you happy.

The thing is, though, there is a fine line between writing for yourself and writing for money. And it's very easy to cross it. I would know; I crossed that line, myself. And I didn't even realize it.

I suffered a bit of a slump during April. Or maybe that's just what I've been telling myself, to feel better about having come so close to my goal for Camp NaNoWriMo. Either way, I was stressing. When I returned home from PEI a year ago, I promised myself two things:

1) I would move out by my 20th birthday, and

2) During this time at home, I would finish a manuscript. Written, revised, edited--everything. Done. Completed. Fini. Simple, right?

Not so much.

Despite the constant planning with my friends--and the constant discussions at work--the whole moving thing seemed a million years away. It wasn't until a few months ago, probably around March, that I realized it was only five months away. Five months.

And suddenly, life was moving too fast. Weeks were racing by at break-neck speed, days were soaring out the window as though they were nothing, and I was left in a frazzled, stressed, panicked state. It was like my final year of high school all over again--a day was coming, and once that day arrived, my life would change forever.

I am excited to move out, I really am. I'm excited to be independent and on my own and just to have a fresh start in a (semi) new place.

But I'm also terrified.

And, among all of this chaos, there was my writing. Projects that I had anticipated to be well on their way to completion were left at an eerie pause halfway through the first draft. Suddenly, my goal to have a manuscript finished and polished didn't seem so plausible anymore. It wasn't just discouraging--it was downright frightening. This, the very reason I had left university in the first place, wasn't even going the way it was supposed to. If I couldn't handle this now--living with my parents, with only a part-time job and minimal bills to worry about--how could I possibly hope to handle it in the months to come, with bills galore and a full-time job and other independent, adult things to worry about?

I wasn't sure if I could do it. So, my mind turned to the prospect of money.

The goal was no longer to have a polished manuscript--no, it was to have a manuscript ready to sell and several ebooks on the Kindle market, to help the flow of money. If I start making money, I assumed, then I couldn't consider the past year a failure.

No. Just....no.

It dawned on me, halfway through April, just what I was doing. I wasn't writing for myself anymore--I wasn't focusing on the stories I loved more than anything, on the things that actually made me excited to sit down at my desk. I was just writing for the sake of being published, for making money.

I write for the story. I write because there's a message I want to share, characters I want to introduce, a whole world that I want to make known. I write because I have a story to tell, and only I can tell it.

But honestly? That's not why I started.


To be continued next week!

Until later,

- Justyne

A New Motto

A few weeks ago, I was doing something I find myself doing quite often--daydreaming. I was sitting on the couch, with the television on and my web browser of choice open on the laptop in front of me. But my attention wasn't directed toward either of those, as it should have been. Instead, my mind was drifting; wandering to the plot holes I wrestle with, the "what-ifs" that direct my stories, and the words that will make it all come alive.

I like to think that every story has this one line that defines the entire novel. It's the line that you see quoted, over and over again. The line that people get tattooed on the back of their necks, that they scrawl on a scrap of loose leaf and stick on their bedroom wall. That line could be the title; so blatantly obvious that it might as well be highlighted in every copy. That line could be hidden; as eye-popping as the other hundreds of thousands of words that form the story playing out in your mind. Either way, the meaning is the same; it sets the tone for the entire story.

I get my story ideas from endless resources; my dreams, my favourite books or movies, my own life and experiences. I take one little thing from my life and the world around me, and expand it into something bigger.

Sometimes, though, my stories branch from something much simpler: one line. One single line, that expresses a message that I wish to convey through story. This line will often come to me when I'm bumming around, zoning out and in general not paying as much attention as I should be to my surroundings. My mind wanders, stumbles upon a phrase, and the phrase...sticks. It sticks and the next thing I know I'm writing it down, eagerly scribbling it in my journal, so quickly that the words don't followed the lines quite perfectly.

So when I was zoning out last month, completely ignoring my surroundings, a phrase popped into my head. Except this time, it wasn't really a line you could insert into a novel. It wasn't one inspirational, emotionally moving line that would set the tone of whatever future story that my mind would unravel. It was more like...a motto.

Dare to dream big. Live to dream bigger.

The moment it popped into my head, it just felt...right. It felt like everything I've tried to believe in, throughout my whole life, wrapped up into two little sentences; 8 little words.

Dare to dream big. Don't be afraid of having "realistic" goals or career plans. Dare to aim for something out of your wallet's comfort zone; something that might not be achieved with the help of a college degree. If people think less of you for it, prove them wrong. That is your motivation; use it.

Live to dream bigger. Don't settle; don't stop at just one dream. Let yourself have two, five, ten. A thousand. Reach one, make another. As your life changes around you, let your dreams change with it. Don't stop. Never stop. If you think you've reached the top, prove yourself otherwise. Because even when you reach the sky, there are still endless stars waiting for you beyond it.

This phrase has become my motto; the thing I repeat to myself when I start to struggle and feel down. It helps me a little, I think. It helps me remember why I've kept at it for so long; why I left university in the first place. (Which is why I have it typed at the end of my new and improved About Me page.)

I've always wanted a motto. And now, I have one; one that is completely, totally, wholeheartedly me.


Until later,

- Justyne

Deadlines (WFMAD Day 16)

Let's face it: the only thing that could ever motivate me to finish my homework was the looming arrival of the test or assignment due date. (And if I'm being honest, even that didn't motivate me a whole lot this past year.) Deadlines, it seems, provide great external motivation.

The problem, I find, is that I suck at applying deadlines to my own personal projects. I tend to overestimate my abilities, and how much I can actually get done in a set amount of time. So when I do set deadlines, they pass easily without my project or goal being completed, which leaves me feeling frustrated and dejected and even more unmotivated than I was before.

The only exception to this, it seems, is this blog.

Aside from the brief period of time after the school year (in which I seemed to be unmotivated to do anything other than play Sims), I've been really good at updating this blog. I said I'd update every Friday, and for the most part, I've nailed it, every time. Even now, in the midst of a blog-a-day challenge, I have yet to fail. (Unless you count posting after midnight failing, which I don't. Cut me some slack!)

So what's the difference between this, and my other projects? Why can't my deadlines be as successful for everything else?

Maybe my other projects are simply too big. Maybe my deadlines are unrealistic; the work too big to complete in the given time. Maybe I need to develop a new routine, or a new method to working on my projects.

Or maybe, I just need to dive right back into it.

I'll be honest; now that I'm taking a break from school, and working mostly full time, the pressure is on. To make real progress on my writing, my art, and other creative projects. Before, with my focus always on school, this had always just seemed like a hobby.

It's not just a hobby anymore.

So maybe, despite all the times I failed before, it's time to give it another shot.


Until later,

- Justyne

Fears and Definitions

Hey there! How've you been? I haven't seen you in ages! Come on in, have a seat! Can I get you anything? A drink? A snack? A long overdue blog post, perhaps?

I realize that I've been MIA for the past couple of months, and I apologize for that. I've been...struggling, to say the least. I haven't forgotten about blogging; I've just been having trouble finding the right things to say. Or maybe, more like afraid...of voicing what's been on my mind lately.

Do you ever feel that way? Feel scared to tell people what your biggest dream is--especially when it's not the most "realistic" career plan around? Do you ever feel silly talking about your hopes and dreams for the future?

I've felt that way for a while now. Writing is incredibly important to me; it's my passion, the dream that I've held dear since the fourth grade. When I start to tell people about my writing, and what I want to do with it, I feel...kind of raw. Open. Exposed.

My writing is not a secret. This blog is proof of that. I don't go out of my way to keep it hidden. But as I've gotten older, I find myself more and more reluctant to tell people about my writing. It's like I'm afraid of what they'll think about my career path; like I'm afraid that they'll tear my dreams down, say that they're not "realistic enough". That I need to pick something else. Most people assume that I don't want to go back to school because I'm unsure of what job I want, and it's gotten to the point that I neglect to correct them; I just let them think what they want to think.

It's...easier that way, I guess.

I know what I want to do. I know what I want to accomplish. I've known these things since I was nine, and they've never once changed. I'm tired of feeling self-conscious about my dreams because of what others might think of them, and I'm tired of feeling worthless because I'm not living up to my so-called "potential".

And most importantly, I'm tired of feeling like I'll let everyone down if I don't make the right decision.

But see, here's the thing about that: Despite what anyone says, regardless of their profession or age or the amount of experience under their belt, nobody can tell you what the right decision is. Only you can do that. And even though it may feel like everyone around you--your family, your friends, your teachers--are pressuring you to go in another direction...

They will support you.

In the end, it doesn't matter how "normal" or "realistic" your job is. It doesn't matter whether or not you have a degree. It doesn't matter if you need one or two or three extra jobs to help pay the bills. All that matters is that you're happy, and you're doing the thing that you love.

I'm still afraid sometimes. Afraid that no one will like my work. Afraid that maybe it won't turn out like I want it to.

But I'm even more afraid that if I give in--if I return to university, work towards a degree I don't really want and get a "smart" job that I don't really care for--that I'll lose everything. My passion. My dreams. My writing.

You can't define yourself based on the amount of money you make. You can't define yourself based on the career you have, or the size of your house, or how old and run-down your computer is. I think that, if you could only define a person with one thing...it would be their passion for what they love.

I will write. Because regardless of how much money I'm making--if I'm making any at all--it's who I am. I am a writer, and I won't let myself be defined by anything else.

What defines you?


Until later,

- Justyne

An Epiphany of Sorts

Stop checking your calendars, I realize that it's not Friday. Consider this a bonus post for not forming an angry mob and chasing me away from the internet yet. I appreciate you for putting up with my lack of blogging skills.

So buckle up, readers. This post is gonna be long.

I've been in sort of a slump lately. And by "lately," I really mean the last two or three years or so.

I've been writing less. I've been stressing lots. About The Future (dun dun dun), mostly. I realize I'm only in my first year of university, but I just haven't figured out what I want to do with my life yet. (And before you mention writing, just calm your hormones for a second. I'll get to that shortly.) Nothing in university has really caught my attention thus far. Every time I think I've figured it out--English teacher, copy editor, homeless hobo in a magical flying cardboard box--I go and change my mind. (Although I'm still hoping that magical cardboard box thing will work out, that would be pretty freaking awesome.) 

I'm also frustrated. Very frustrated. Mostly with myself.

I had a lengthy conversation with my dad on the phone last night, mostly talking about The Future (dun dun dun). The main topic of discussion was whether or not I should take the year off from university next year (see the reasons above). His main concern was that I would end up playing Sims all the time, instead of doing something productive.

I'm not saying that this isn't true. In fact, this is probably the most likely of any scenario I could possibly come up with.

But that's what really frustrates me.

When did I get so lazy? Seriously! I've always procrastinated, but never this bad. I used to write literally all the time. I used to do productive things in my free time--something that often seems like a foreign concept to me now. When did all of this change?

So I started thinking. I've spent most of today thinking, to be honest. I thought back to when I spent all of my time writing. I thought about how it felt to write--how I felt then, and how I feel now in comparison, when I'm hardly writing at all.

I still love writing. That much hasn't changed. I love writing as much as I did when I was nine years old and first started putting words to paper.

But that's not the real issue here.

So I thought about what's different. I thought about when it changed--when I stopped writing so much, and, most importantly, I thought about why.

Because that, my dear readers, is the million dollar question.

So after all these hours of thinking--in the shower, in my bed, on the couch while watching television--I think I've figured it out. My problem, you see, is that I've been thinking too "realistically."

And that is a problem that can apply to everybody--not just writers.

I was confident when I was a kid. I thought that there was nothing that I couldn't do. I was so sure that I would be published before I even graduated high school; that I would become a famous author, that everyone would read and love my writing. I was so sure that everything would work out.

I lost sight of that. I started doubting myself. I started doubting my abilities as a writer. I got too caught up in the money aspect:

"Writing isn't the easiest industry to enter." 

"You can't make a living off of it right away." 

"You need a back-up plan."

I'm not saying that these things aren't true. What I'm saying is that I got so caught up in these things--in my so-called "back-up plan"--that it became my only plan. I forgot about writing altogether.

I don't want that.

This is why I've been in a slump--why I keep changing my mind, flipping directions, unsure of every little decision I make.

Newsflash: no industry is easy to enter. No job is easy to get. There is no career on this planet in which you can walk on up and say, "I want this job" and the employer replies with, "lol okay."

It just doesn't work that way. There's work involved. There are degrees to earn, resumes to build, experience to...well, experience.

Writing is the same way.

A back-up plan is just that--a back-up plan. Something you turn to when your original plan doesn't work out. My problem is that I was so consumed with my back-up plan--with the negative "what-if's"--that I lost sight of what I truly wanted. I've been focusing all of my time and money and worries into a career that my heart's just not in. I gave up on writing; written it off as impossible before I even gave it a chance.

I can't even begin to describe how wrong that is.

I am capable. I've written a 50k+ novel in 30 days. I spent months writing a 200+ page novel when I was in the 8th grade. I had an entire freaking book series planned out when I was 9 years old. People enjoy reading my work, and I enjoy writing it. That is what truly matters.

I need to take back that confidence I had when I was a kid. I need to re-focus my attention on what I want--what I've always wanted. I need to believe that I can do this--because I can. I know I can.

And so can you.

Who knows, maybe I'm just delusional. Maybe it's the optimist in me. But no matter what I end up doing next year--taking a year off and staying at home, travelling the world, becoming a homeless hobo with a magical box (seriously, though, somebody hook me up with that)--I'll be writing. I'll be doing what I love.

So to all of you high school students out there, being pressured to choose what you want to do for the rest of your life--don't worry about it. Take your time. University will always be there, if you need it. Focus on what you love.

Because here's the secret: if you love your work, it doesn't seem like work. My dad taught me that.

(Actually, no, I knew that way before he told me on the phone last night. But he tried, I'll give him that.)

The future doesn't seem so scary now, does it?

Maybe this will inspire you. Maybe it won't. But if you only take one thing away from this post, let it be this:

It should never be, "What if I can't?" It should always, always be, "I can. And I will."

Thanks for your time, guys.

Until later,

- Justyne