That's what this past year felt like. Literally. I was still having "wait, what year is it?" moments back in November, and you're telling me that I have to form the habit of writing a six instead of a five? Really?
I did manage to successfully write "2016" at the top of my list of resolutions, though, so I mean it's not all bad.
I read somewhere once that many people share a common belief that what you do on January 1st is what you'll do all year--like the first day of a calendar year is an omen of sorts for the next 365. I used to believe this, in a sense--now I think it's a load of horse shit. (Pardon my French--or don't, doesn't really affect me in the slightest.)
This past year, I embarked on a new project. It ended prematurely--I won't say it was an absolute failure, because quite frankly, a lot of good came out of it. For a long time, though, it didn't seem that way--I was too caught up with the fact that it wasn't working the way I thought it would, or that I hadn't finished it the way I intended. I had a vision for it, for what it would teach me. I expected too much, and it let me down. When it did, I fell--and I fell hard.
I started with good intentions, but somewhere down the line I started to believe that a list of 28 things would change my life--that crossing something off a glorified to-do list would define my self worth. But it wasn't about the things I said I would do; it was about this:
I don’t want to wait for my life to magically become everything I’ve ever dreamed it could be; I want to live that life now. I want to make that life for myself now.I said that. Me. That was the core of what I was trying to do, and I forgot. When the excitement and novelty faded, when I broke down that first wall and waited for the dust to clear...nothing had really changed. I was still stuck. I was still in a bubble. I had approached everything from the wrong angle.
I've put off this blog post for a long time and a lot of reasons. The longer I stop, the harder it gets to come back, and after every long absence I feel the need to give excuses. Excuses, and promises to never fall again.
This time, I make only one promise--to try. (And as for the excuse: I am human, dammit.)
The new year is a great chance to regroup, reprioritize, reorganize yourself into the person you want to be. For me, that means a lot of things, none of which are on that list. I have a new list, smaller in length but larger in meaning. (And also, harder to complete. But that's not a bad thing.) This time, there is no deadline, no expectation to fulfill something every day. I will trip. I will fall. I will get back up.
Today is a new year, but tomorrow is a new day. You want a do-over, a second chance, an excuse to change yourself? You get one every morning you make the decision to crawl out of bed. If you mess up, take a nap and start again.
You've got 366 tries to get it right. Make this year a good one.
Until later,
- Justyne
