So buckle up, readers. This post is gonna be long.
I've been in sort of a slump lately. And by "lately," I really mean the last two or three years or so.
I've been writing less. I've been stressing lots. About The Future (dun dun dun), mostly. I realize I'm only in my first year of university, but I just haven't figured out what I want to do with my life yet. (And before you mention writing, just calm your hormones for a second. I'll get to that shortly.) Nothing in university has really caught my attention thus far. Every time I think I've figured it out--English teacher, copy editor, homeless hobo in a magical flying cardboard box--I go and change my mind. (Although I'm still hoping that magical cardboard box thing will work out, that would be pretty freaking awesome.)
I'm also frustrated. Very frustrated. Mostly with myself.
I had a lengthy conversation with my dad on the phone last night, mostly talking about The Future (dun dun dun). The main topic of discussion was whether or not I should take the year off from university next year (see the reasons above). His main concern was that I would end up playing Sims all the time, instead of doing something productive.
I'm not saying that this isn't true. In fact, this is probably the most likely of any scenario I could possibly come up with.
But that's what really frustrates me.
When did I get so lazy? Seriously! I've always procrastinated, but never this bad. I used to write literally all the time. I used to do productive things in my free time--something that often seems like a foreign concept to me now. When did all of this change?
So I started thinking. I've spent most of today thinking, to be honest. I thought back to when I spent all of my time writing. I thought about how it felt to write--how I felt then, and how I feel now in comparison, when I'm hardly writing at all.
I still love writing. That much hasn't changed. I love writing as much as I did when I was nine years old and first started putting words to paper.
But that's not the real issue here.
So I thought about what's different. I thought about when it changed--when I stopped writing so much, and, most importantly, I thought about why.
Because that, my dear readers, is the million dollar question.
So after all these hours of thinking--in the shower, in my bed, on the couch while watching television--I think I've figured it out. My problem, you see, is that I've been thinking too "realistically."
And that is a problem that can apply to everybody--not just writers.
I was confident when I was a kid. I thought that there was nothing that I couldn't do. I was so sure that I would be published before I even graduated high school; that I would become a famous author, that everyone would read and love my writing. I was so sure that everything would work out.
I lost sight of that. I started doubting myself. I started doubting my abilities as a writer. I got too caught up in the money aspect:
"Writing isn't the easiest industry to enter."
"You can't make a living off of it right away."
"You need a back-up plan."
I'm not saying that these things aren't true. What I'm saying is that I got so caught up in these things--in my so-called "back-up plan"--that it became my only plan. I forgot about writing altogether.
I don't want that.
This is why I've been in a slump--why I keep changing my mind, flipping directions, unsure of every little decision I make.
Newsflash: no industry is easy to enter. No job is easy to get. There is no career on this planet in which you can walk on up and say, "I want this job" and the employer replies with, "lol okay."
It just doesn't work that way. There's work involved. There are degrees to earn, resumes to build, experience to...well, experience.
Writing is the same way.
A back-up plan is just that--a back-up plan. Something you turn to when your original plan doesn't work out. My problem is that I was so consumed with my back-up plan--with the negative "what-if's"--that I lost sight of what I truly wanted. I've been focusing all of my time and money and worries into a career that my heart's just not in. I gave up on writing; written it off as impossible before I even gave it a chance.
I can't even begin to describe how wrong that is.
I am capable. I've written a 50k+ novel in 30 days. I spent months writing a 200+ page novel when I was in the 8th grade. I had an entire freaking book series planned out when I was 9 years old. People enjoy reading my work, and I enjoy writing it. That is what truly matters.
I need to take back that confidence I had when I was a kid. I need to re-focus my attention on what I want--what I've always wanted. I need to believe that I can do this--because I can. I know I can.
And so can you.
Who knows, maybe I'm just delusional. Maybe it's the optimist in me. But no matter what I end up doing next year--taking a year off and staying at home, travelling the world, becoming a homeless hobo with a magical box (seriously, though, somebody hook me up with that)--I'll be writing. I'll be doing what I love.
So to all of you high school students out there, being pressured to choose what you want to do for the rest of your life--don't worry about it. Take your time. University will always be there, if you need it. Focus on what you love.
Because here's the secret: if you love your work, it doesn't seem like work. My dad taught me that.
(Actually, no, I knew that way before he told me on the phone last night. But he tried, I'll give him that.)
The future doesn't seem so scary now, does it?
Maybe this will inspire you. Maybe it won't. But if you only take one thing away from this post, let it be this:
It should never be, "What if I can't?" It should always, always be, "I can. And I will."
Thanks for your time, guys.
Until later,
- Justyne
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